My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
