If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
