i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
