Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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