before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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