I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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