im drinking this country out of the recession.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
