No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
