I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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