woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
