Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
