I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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