Your face is a jimmy john
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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