The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
