hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
