I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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