do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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