I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
