his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
