____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
