Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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