Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
