it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
