Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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