my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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