She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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