My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
