I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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