am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
