Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
