The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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