Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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