My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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