i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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