your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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