just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
