i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
