I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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