i wish peter jackson would direct porn
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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