My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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