at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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