Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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