I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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