Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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