Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
