She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
