i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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