Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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