So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
