he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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