Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
