i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
