I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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