The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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