Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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