i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
