brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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