heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
