i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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