Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
