The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
