I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
