i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
