Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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